Where to even begin? Life is crazy and unstoppable and full of plot twists that no one ever expects. I guess at this current moment my mind is just always on the go. I'm moving to Florida, I'm leaving my best friends, family, home, everything I'm comfortable with. I have been through a break up, a friendship ending and the blessing of new friendships all within the past eight weeks. I have started a new job, I have gotten a promotion in that job, I have broken my phone, I have visited Mount Pleasant three separate times, I have gone to Ohio, Grand Rapids, Grand Ledge and kept up a pretty regular tan. After one long run on sentence...this summer has been anything but normal.
Through all this time I have learned to drink [and like] beer, I have sang at a biker night in downtown Oxford, I have gained weight and lost weight in my weight watchers battle. I thought that my summer coming home would be easy for me; a nice break, a calm before the storm if you will before I moved my whole life to Florida. But really, it has been as ridiculous and unpredictable as my life up at CMU was.
After graduation, I had a plan. I knew where I was going, where I was living and what job I would be doing. I thought I had graduated knowing exactly who I was and what I believed in. I thought my faith was stronger than ever and I was finally on the road to recovery with my Lord my God. I thought that I had grown out of my old ways and finally was able to have a long distance, real relationship. Boy oh boy was I wrong on so many levels. Sure, I'm moving to Florida, I have a job, an apartment and I'm getting a degree but after that...the picture gets blurry and muddied. There is no clear path in what is the right decision of wrong.
This summer I lost a boyfriend that I thought would last a least some of the duration of my time in Florida and I lost my best friend of the past four years. The boyfriend, fine, I can deal with that. He came in to my life as a blessing and left on good terms as friends but the best friend is what I really struggle with. I know that the friendship will always be there if I am ever in trouble or need anything I know that they would be there in a heartbeat but knowing that I shut out the one person who gets me more than anyone else...is heartbreaking. Unfortunately, we both know that it's what best for us. Do you hate that? How when you make the "right" decision even though you know it's going to suck? Everyone can probably relate to this in some way; the feeling of having to do something you know is right even though you feel that you should do something different.
One thing that I have been struggling with more than anything is the issue I am having with finding peace. Now, this idea didn't just formulate in my mind all by itself. I had the opportunity to attend His House on Thursday and Jess talked about our God being called the God of Peace, which He is. She talked about finding peace in God instead of earthly things. Finding peace in the internal vs. the external things around us.
For as long as I can remember, I have put my peace in my relationships with the men around me. I live with my emotions on my sleeve wanting to give my affection to anyone that comes into my love. I want people to know that I care for them and I would do anything for them no matter if they are just a friend of more. Now, I'm not saying that is a bad thing but for me, it tends to lead to a lot of heartache.
For so long I have tried to put my peace into the prized possessions of relationships that I have. Each time one of those relationships didn't work out I would get upset because I gave every ounce of myself to that person to make them happy and still it couldn't work. Now, I know the moms out there are reading this saying "no, honey, you are fine. you are caring and wonderful, it's okay this is normal." Unfortunately, I'm telling you, you are wrong. No, it isn't a bad thing to have relationships and give what I can to the people in them but, real talk here, the root issue is where my heart is and where my peace lies. My peace doesn't lie in my God, currently. It lies in the fleeting relationships I have with friends along the way or the occasional boyfriend that comes in to my life. I find joy in those things but I can't seem to find joy in myself enough to just be alone for awhile. This is a core issue that I know needs to be resolved. I want my love for God to be so passionate and so on fire that I no longer need a man in my life to be happy. I want to be able to have a conversation with a friend and not have the latest update of a guy in my life. I want God to be that man for awhile. Not some human man who is struggling as much as I am that will just end in another sad story.
I know this takes a lot of work and I think I'm finally prepared to dive into that work. I am asking for your prayers as I try to let go and let God fix my relationship with Him and the people around me.
Moving on...
I'm moving to Florida! I convinced myself this year that I wanted to go somewhere that was out of my comfort zone and would really allow me to grow in my independence and as a person. Well, Florida definitely fits all of those categories. But, it also is an out for me. I didn't realize this until just last week but Florida is kind of like a scapegoat. I think somewhere in my mind I allowed myself to emotionally think that if I moved to Florida I would be disconnected from all of the feelings that I have had over the last four years at CMU. I thought that I could completely start over my life and be whomever I pleased. And, to a point, that is true but that isn't very smart of me. I have grown and changed so much in the last four years I can't even begin to explain it. For me to think moving to Florida would erase all of the hurt I've ever felt was naive and just plain dumb. Intellectually, I understand that this thought process isn't correct but emotionally, I have convinced myself Florida is going to allow me to just forget everything and move on. Luckily, I have realized this before I moved away from everything here. Realizing this early has allowed me to start the road of mending. Sure there are things that will be easier for me once I'm in Florida but there are also things that I just need to accept and move on with even while I'm down there. Can you also pray for me that I am able to complete this recovery? That I won't just bury my feelings in Michigan so that Florida is completely new and that I allow myself to really process everything that has happened?
Now, if you're still reading...you win the Friday award! I have had a lot going on in the last two months and I haven't even started being completely honest with myself. Thank you for your prayers and I will continue to pray for the people around me.
"I may be weak but your Spirit's strong in me. My flesh may fail but my God, You never will"
