I believe in a thing called love...

Alright, so here I am a 23 year old woman who has never been in a relationship officially lasting longer than 6 months. What do I know about relationships? What do I know about being in love? Probably nothing. The most real relationship I had was based upon lies and hurt. And we thought we were going to get married. How do I even know what a real relationship is supposed to be like? Well, that's just it. I don't. I sit around telling myself that I cant wait to be in a long term relationship and I can't wait to get married. But really, what do I know about keeping love alive? Nothing. I would probably kill the love fern if a guy gave it to me. I run away from a man pursuing me but can't understand why a guy doesn't want me when I pursue him. Seems a little backwards, right? I think so to. How did I get so wrapped up in myself and my own little world that I have to be the one to be in control? Why can't I just let go ad let a man pursue me. Why is it that I push him away, just far enough to where he might come back, and then start pursuing him on my terms? Doesn't that seem a bit...degrading? Stealing the man card right out from under him. Not allowing him to win me over because, God forbid I let someone else have a chance at being in control, for once. 

You know, that's not the only problem I have brewing in my catastrophic brain. If I do get in a relationship with a man...how do I get him to stay around, or how do I stay around? Why does it always work out that he gets bored? Or I trick myself into thinking something is wrong with him...so I break up with him. But then..yes, you guessed it, I "realize my mistake" and go back to pursuing him. Why can't I just be happy in a relationship? Well, what is there to even talk about? I feel as if I used to love to get to know new people and hear their stories but now...I feel so closed off. Even if I do learn enough about a guy to date him..what do we talk about after we've been dating for 7 months...or we're married for 7 years! I'm seriously not sure I'm cut out for this stuff. How do I keep a man entertained for the rest of my life? I'm a crazy, dysfunctional woman who doesn't even have goals in life. Yeah, a whole other topic. I do not have goals, I have dreams. Dreams are unrealistic, goals are attainable. Why would a man want to surround himself with a woman who has no achievable goals for her life? I know, I know, I'm a beautiful, smart, talented woman and any man would be lucky to have me. But honestly, honestly, what if I'm not lucky enough to get that man? I am beautiful. I am smart. I am talented. I just have no idea how to have a functional relationship. 

I thought after four years of high school dating, and four years of college dating, I would have found the man for me. I've dated enough people to know what works for me and what doesn't. But for some reason, I'm always the almost girl. The girl a guy will keep in his back pocket when he needs someone to listen. Or, he just needs a pretty smile to get him through the day. I don't want to be someone's almost girl. And I don't want an almost guy. I want to find a man that is willing to work for me (and someone I'm willing to let go for). I want to have a mutual give and take relationship. Not one where I put everything in without anything in return. 

I realize falling in love is hard, but can't a girl catch a break?

Never Can Be too Honest

Social Media. It dictates almost everything we do. As a graduate student we are told to that things can never be deleted once we put it on the internet. It will honestly never go away. Any pictures we post and delete...are still somewhere. A status that we put up for a second and have a second thought..still searchable. A blog post that we think no one reads -- still findable.So what can you put on the internet? What is actually safe? Well, it really depends on the perception you want people to have of you.

For me, I'm still trying to figure out what I want. But I do know that I would have issues if I posted about friendships in Florida, my job, or too personal of information about my family. Well, what's left to write about? My personal feelings? Cool, but all of my personal feelings tie into one of those three things.

What are we comfortable with the world knowing? Facebook or Twitter are the greatest outlet for our true emotions. The raw, most honest feelings -- we put those out for the whole world to see. Everyone always says 'honest is the best policy' but have you ever noticed that they are lying? If people are honest on a social media site, they could lose their job or be judged harshly for their words. I can't really blame them. I mean we are hired to be professionals, not whiney children. These sites were created for us to express ourselves.  But we just end up getting ourselves in more trouble. How do we remedy this? Honestly, I have no idea. I don't have any answers. I am continuing to use social media despite what I know. Am I cautious so what I write? Of course, 98% of my true feelings never breech the social media barrier.

I wish so much I could delete Facebook and live my life without it. But, I feel an allegiance to my friends that live across the country and in different countries. I want to know how they are doing as well as have them know how I am doing.  I can't stop reaching out to my friends because I need them in my life. I can't just up and shut down to only what Florida friends have to offer me. I would lose 97% of the people I love just be contact would be limited that much. Not happening.

Well, I guess we live in a world where freedom of speech is encouraged, but can be held against you. Where your photos can be privatized but shared with the world. Where your feelings are your own, but never a secret.

We live in a blessed world but we just need to be a tad more careful how we express ourselves. Fair or not, that's just how the world works.

I'm a, I'm a, I'm a FLIRT.

You know how it's always really easy to critique those around you? It's so easy to see others short comings and think that you could do SO MUCH BETTER. But what happens when we take an honest look inside of ourselves? What happens when we realize what our short comings are...and where we are lettings those around us and ourselves down?  Today, it's my turn to look at my problems.  What am I doing wrong? Where have I hurt others or continue to make wrong choices? I'm only going to focus on one thing today because it has been on my mind for a solid few weeks. And no, all of my posts aren't a sob story or about men but when you're 22 and those around you are getting engaged or in committed relationships you tend to think about it about more.

Men. In particular, men in the dating scene in South Florida.

I have become a part of the culture of going out on Friday and Saturday nights. The bars don't close till 4am so us girls get ourselves ready and we make an entire evening out of it. I try so hard to make myself "beautiful" in the eyes of the men at the bars and clubs. I wear low cut shirts or short dresses to somehow draw a mans eye to me instead of another girl across the room. Sometimes, I wear jeans and tanks if I really don't feel like getting dolled up. But still, I spend time making myself look a way that the opposite sex will find sexy or intriguing. And then, I use it to my advantage. I'm not sure where this idea of getting numbers and not texting them came from...but it happens. Why is it so exciting to say "I got 5 numbers last night! How many did you get?" Honestly, who cares? Are the men I meet at a bar the ones who are going to take care of me? 8 times out of 10...probably not.

If you talk to me during the week..or even during the day I will tell you I want a serious relationship. I want someone to take care of me. I want that emotional connection with someone...someone to call when I have an incredible experience or someone to help me pick up the pieces when life falls apart. But then I make the choice to go out and meet random men who will pretend they're interested in me. They talk to me just enough until they think that I will kiss them or even more. [Most times they aren't that lucky] But still! What am I doing?

I know a few people who read my blog will tell me to "look at myself before I place the blame on others" or that I should feel "convicted" about what I do. To you people, I am more introspective than you think. I think all the time about how I can be better or how I keep making the same mistakes and it's not acceptable.

People always say there are two sides to every story. What are both sides to my life? Part of me likes the attention of a man in a bar. To know that I caught someone's eye. I was able to get a guy to look at me instead of the hundreds of other beautiful women across the room. Is it because I lack self confidence? I don't think that I am worthy of a man so when one looks at me it gives me some kind of boost? But the next day when you know you'll never speak to him again...doesn't the ounce of confidence he gave you just melt away? Honestly, I don't know.
The other side is that maybe I just don't want a serious relationship. I want the emotion connection, yes. But what if I'm afraid of that commitment? Could I commit myself to one man? Since my break up almost a year ago with the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with..I haven't been able to truly open my heart. So, in my head I think that I'm ready for that emotional connection but maybe I'm really not?

A few weeks ago I started seeing a man that I had a thing for. Our first hang out was me helping him pack up his house because he was moving. I didn't really think anything of it...thought he was just another guy. And then something happened where he hurt my feelings. I cried over a man for the first time in a long time. Does that mean I actually wanted something with him? Was I actually opening myself up to someone? Even while he and I were casually hanging out I was still going to the bars and talking to guys. WHAT IS THAT?! Is that some kind of safety net? Is that me being a cold hearted person? [Yes, don't answer, I know.] Where do I come off with the right to cry over a guy because he "hurt" me when I was inadvertently hurting him he just had no idea? Unfortunately, I think I really pushed that one away as recent events have unfolded. Thinking about it, I could see myself at least dating him. Now, I'm not sure I'll ever get that chance. If he's reading this...know that I do care for you and I'm sorry for the way I let things pan out.

I need to be better. I need to figure out what I want. I need to not be confused anymore. I need to know who I am and what I want. If I want to go out and meet guys just for a fun night of flirting thats my own prerogative. But if I want to commit myself to a guy, and I find one that is worthy, I need to take the jump and open myself up to them.

This whole post is really just helpful for me. I'm not sure if it could help anyone else but for me...it just helps to get my thoughts out so I can say it out loud and accept it.

the sex fetish.

So, men.

What is up with the guys of this generation? Why is it so hard to find men that actually respect women these days? Of course, men say they respect women and they won't push you further then you want and all of a sudden they're trying something that you are not okay with and the moment you say no they get mad. What is that? That's not respect! That's blowing smoke so that you can calm a girl enough to make out with you and try to push her further then she wanted.

Now, this isn't just a South Florida thing but I have had a heightened experience of it here.  A guy will kiss me, great, I love to kiss. And then, he wants to get all handsy and one guy even asked me to "go to his bed." REALLY? I'm sorry, after one kiss? That's what you think you're gonna get? I realize that plenty of women don't respect themselves these days and sleep with any guy that will give them attention but I mean come on. Not every single girl is like that.

Okay, so where do men get the idea that this is okay? Well, problem number one: probably all of those women who sleep around on the first date or go home with a guy after they meet at a bar. That could be the issue. Or, problem number two: Men are praised for how many people they sleep with. When did that become a thing? If women parade around saying they hooked up with guys they are looked down upon but the second guys say something they are treated like a god. Just dumb. Problem number three: Even the good girls slip up sometimes which just makes it harder. Yeah, that sucks, but it happens.

You heard correctly, good girls mess up too! And it makes the problem even harder. Sometimes, you are just in the moment and even when you know you need to stop kissing the guy you don't. But that still doesn't give any guy the right to automatically assume that you are willing to do anything he wants after the first kiss!

Guys, I mean come on.  One kiss automatically means the girl wants to go all the way with you? Sorry to inform you, but some girls still got class. Maybe she just wants one kiss...one kiss to leave you wondering...or for her to decide if she wants to see you again..or if you're enough of a man to contact her again. Sometimes, one kiss is enough for the first night! You could just give her that and leave her wanting more if you wanted! Believe me, she'll be much more intrigued.

Our society has some odd fetish with sex. Anything sex sells. It's crazy. All of these high school shows on ABCFamily have to do with sex and cheating, when did that become cool? When did it become okay for us to show teenagers that sex was all that was exciting about life? Cause seriously, it's not. So many more exciting things happen outside of teenage sex lives. No wonder in college and when we're older men just think women will drop their pants for anyone.

And you know, I'm not above this. I've had a few crazy nights here in Florida drinking a bit too much and kissing a guy at the bar, I won't lie about that. But I don't think I could ever sleep with a man on the first night I met him. 

You know, maybe my thoughts are just a bit too conservative.  Maybe the life I have imagined for myself is a life I could have lived 30+ years ago. Maybe in this day in age, the man I want to meet doesn't exist anymore. But I'm still not convinced it's up for me to change my morals and values to match what this society is demanding of me. I guess, yeah, I can wait until I find that real guy who actually will respect me. I do believe that he's out there. 

I mean, we all have to kiss a few frogs before we find our prince, right?

Why is Friendship so Hard?

It has been a little over 6 months since my last post here. I'm not sure why I find it so hard to keep up with a blog, or maybe I just never really think the things going on in my life are all that important for others to read. But is has come to a point where I feel that I should start writing again [and hopefully keep up with it].  With a little nudging from the people around me, Molly asking if I had a blog and Mom bugging me to write a post on our Women of 4:13 blog I thought I would update again.

Where to begin? It is now January 7th, its is the first day of my second semester of grad school.  I have to report in to work in approximately 67 minutes and I am currently sitting in my t-shirt and shorts drinking hot chocolate. I guess I should give a little more background of where I am since my last post just mentioned that I was moving to Florida.

I live in a studio style apartment in Fort Lauderdale, FL. I live on the 6th floor facing the city.  It is a magnificent view where I can see my schools campus and in the distance, all of the big buildings of downtown Fort Lauderdale.  My favorite part about my view is waking up to the sunrise.  Florida sunrises are breathtaking.  I can't tell you how many times my day has instantly been made by waking up to see God's amazing creations.
I am getting my masters degree in College Student Affairs. Last semester was my first and I received a 4.0 [woohoo].  My goal is to get all A's in grad school even though grades aren't super important at this point...it's a personal goal.  I work in the Office of Orientation and Commuter Involvement.  I love it! It is so much fun to have a hand in students first experience as an official Shark.  I also love working with the commuter side of things and trying to get people involved.

Florida is amazing. It is full of different experiences and events that I never would have had the opportunity to see if I lived in Michigan.  The weather is a definite plus as I love being tan and I hate being cold. The ocean is an amazing site and I promised myself that I would never get sick of it during my two years here.  The pool in my backyard is also wonderful when i don't feel like driving the fifteen minutes to the beach...

Alright, so you have a little background. Now I think I can get into the nitty gritty.

"True friendship is rare on earth. It means identifying with someone in thought, heart, and spirit."

Friendship is hard right? Finding people you truly connect with? People who will support you in your decisions but aren't afraid to tell you the truth when they think you're being just a little bit to crazy, mean, or petty. Is that kind of friendship actually possible? If so, how often are you able to find it? How often can you surround yourself with people that will have your back no matter what, that will take your side and support you when others put you down, that won't talk about you behind your back but bring up issues straight to your face? Really, in our world, is that even possible?

For the end all be all question, yes, I think it is possible. But I think finding true friendship is one of the hardest things to find in our world and society today.

Why is friendship so hard? Why do we find it so difficult to find friends that truly support us in every way but aren't afraid to call us out when we need a reality check? For me, I think it's because our values are completely altered.  The people in m generation today barely know right from wrong.  The world is no longer black and white, everything is on a gray scale.  Now if you ask me that's a whole other, catastrophic problem that cannot be solved with on 22 year olds blog.
Friendship is something we all long for. It helps get us through the day. People to help make us laugh, and hold us when we cry; we all need that at some point or another. Sometimes, you can find friends who are great to hang out with go to the bar, the club, the beach but maybe they're not so good at having deep conversations because fundamentally, your beliefs are different.  That's not a bad thing, it's just a different kind of friendship.
On the other hand you could have friends whom you know you can talk to about anything and they won't judge you or turn away from you because of something you are going through but maybe they aren't the people that you spend every second of every day with.
And then, few and far between there is that friend.  The most perfect friend you have ever met.  Where you probably connected instantly.  The two of you have so much in common, you support each other and aren't afraid to call each other out...it's just the perfect mix.  Even the two of you could have differences in beliefs or values but for some reason, with that person it doesn't matter.  You are two peas in a pod and nothing can separate your friendship.  Now, how many of us wish we had that?  Or how many of us can think back on a relationship and say, "wow, that was a really great friend." I don't think that we should let these types of friends go so easily.  Sometimes distance makes it hard to keep the friendship going or for some reason the relationship is broken.  I think that looking back on those types of relationships can help us realize that we need to treat those friendships very specially.  We need to hold those people close to our hearts and show them how important they are to us. If you have that type of friend right now, don't let them go.  Show them how much you value their friendship.

Just because sometimes we meet that person or people who are so special to us and seem like a perfect match for us doesn't mean we should treat the others as any less.  Each person is in your life for a reason.  Maybe it is to challenge your beliefs.  To help you become stronger in the person you are.  Or maybe you're there to influence them and in the same way challenge them.  Maybe they are there to listen to you and help you grow as a person.  In the same respect, these people could turn out to be your lifelong friends if you would just give them a chance and stop judging them right of the bat.  Truth is, we're all different.  We have different body shapes, hair styles, thoughts, strengths, beliefs, morals, and values but just because those are different doesn't mean we can't be friends.  True some of those differences may make the friendship challenging but maybe it's to help both of you open up and lighten up about the differences around you.

I'm not sure if anyone will find benefit to this, I'm still not sure if it all makes sense but friendship is something we all need to get through this life.  Hopefully we are al lucky enough to find those friends who are true but if not the friends we surround ourselves with can have an impact on us as well. We can grow together and strengthen who we are with whomever is around us; we just need to be open to it.



Proverbs 19:20 Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.

Honesty Hour..

Where to even begin? Life is crazy and unstoppable and full of plot twists that no one ever expects. I guess at this current moment my mind is just always on the go. I'm moving to Florida, I'm leaving my best friends, family, home, everything I'm comfortable with.  I have been through a break up, a friendship ending and the blessing of new friendships all within the past eight weeks.  I have started a new job, I have gotten a promotion in that job, I have broken my phone, I have visited Mount Pleasant three separate times, I have gone to Ohio, Grand Rapids, Grand Ledge and kept up a pretty regular tan. After one long run on sentence...this summer has been anything but normal.

Through all this time I have learned to drink [and like] beer, I have sang at a biker night in downtown Oxford, I have gained weight and lost weight in my weight watchers battle.  I thought that my summer coming home would be easy for me; a nice break, a calm before the storm if you will before I moved my whole life to Florida.  But really, it has been as ridiculous and unpredictable as my life up at CMU was.

After graduation, I had a plan.  I knew where I was going, where I was living and what job I would be doing.  I thought I had graduated knowing exactly who I was and what I believed in.  I thought my faith was stronger than ever and I was finally on the road to recovery with my Lord my God.  I thought that I had grown out of my old ways and finally was able to have a long distance, real relationship.  Boy oh boy was I wrong on so many levels.  Sure, I'm moving to Florida, I have a job, an apartment and I'm getting a degree but after that...the picture gets blurry and muddied.  There is no clear path in what is the right decision of wrong.

This summer I lost a boyfriend that I thought would last a least some of the duration of my time in Florida and I lost my best friend of the past four years.  The boyfriend, fine, I can deal with that.  He came in to my life as a blessing and left on good terms as friends but the best friend is what I really struggle with.  I know that the friendship will always be there if I am ever in trouble or need anything I know that they would be there in a heartbeat but knowing that I shut out the one person who gets me more than anyone else...is heartbreaking.  Unfortunately, we both know that it's what best for us. Do you hate that? How when you make the "right" decision even though you know it's going to suck? Everyone can probably relate to this in some way; the feeling of having to do something you know is right even though you feel that you should do something different.

One thing that I have been struggling with more than anything is the issue I am having with finding peace.  Now, this idea didn't just formulate in my mind all by itself.  I had the opportunity to attend His House on Thursday and Jess talked about our God being called the God of Peace, which He is.  She talked about finding peace in God instead of earthly things.  Finding peace in the internal vs. the external things around us.
For as long as I can remember, I have put my peace in my relationships with the men around me.  I live with my emotions on my sleeve wanting to give my affection to anyone that comes into my love.  I want people to know that I care for them and I would do anything for them no matter if they are just a friend of more.  Now, I'm not saying that is a bad thing but for me, it tends to lead to a lot of heartache.
For so long I have tried to put my peace into the prized possessions of relationships that I have.  Each time one of those relationships didn't work out I would get upset because I gave every ounce of myself to that person to make them happy and still it couldn't work.  Now, I know the moms out there are reading this saying "no, honey, you are fine. you are caring and wonderful, it's okay this is normal."  Unfortunately, I'm telling you, you are wrong.  No, it isn't a bad thing to have relationships and give what I can to the people in them but, real talk here, the root issue is where my heart is and where my peace lies.  My peace doesn't lie in my God, currently.  It lies in the fleeting relationships I have with friends along the way or the occasional boyfriend that comes in to my life.  I find joy in those things but I can't seem to find joy in myself enough to just be alone for awhile.  This is a core issue that I know needs to be resolved.  I want my love for God to be so passionate and so on fire that I no longer need a man in my life to be happy.  I want to be able to have a conversation with a friend and not have the latest update of a guy in my life.  I want God to be that man for awhile.  Not some human man who is struggling as much as I am that will just end in another sad story.
I know this takes a lot of work and I think I'm finally prepared to dive into that work.  I am asking for your prayers as I try to let go and let God fix my relationship with Him and the people around me.

Moving on...

I'm moving to Florida! I convinced myself this year that I wanted to go somewhere that was out of my comfort zone and would really allow me to grow in my independence and as a person.  Well, Florida definitely fits all of those categories.  But, it also is an out for me.  I didn't realize this until just last week but Florida is kind of like a scapegoat. I think somewhere in my mind I allowed myself to emotionally think that if I moved to Florida I would be disconnected from all of the feelings that I have had over the last four years at CMU.  I thought that I could completely start over my life and be whomever I pleased.  And, to a point, that is true but that isn't very smart of me.  I have grown and changed so much in the last four years I can't even begin to explain it.  For me to think moving to Florida would erase all of the hurt I've ever felt was naive and just plain dumb.  Intellectually, I understand that this thought process isn't correct but emotionally, I have convinced myself Florida is going to allow me to just forget everything and move on.  Luckily,  I have realized this before I moved away from everything here.  Realizing this early has allowed me to start the road of mending. Sure there are things that will be easier for me once I'm in Florida but there are also things that I just need to accept and move on with even while I'm down there.  Can you also pray for me that I am able to complete this recovery? That I won't just bury my feelings in Michigan so that Florida is completely new and that I allow myself to really process everything that has happened?


Now, if you're still reading...you win the Friday award! I have had a lot going on in the last two months and I haven't even started being completely honest with myself.  Thank you for your prayers and I will continue to pray for the people around me.

"I may be weak but your Spirit's strong in me.  My flesh may fail but my God, You never will"

Grad School isn't that far away..

Well, it has been about a month since I have posted anything. I apologize for not writing anything! This last month has been something of an adventure for me. I have travelled to Wisconsin, Arkansas, and Florida! Planes are my favorite thing and I loved having the opportunity to travel to many different universities.

I went to Wisconsin to interview for Graduate Assistantships at ten different schools to hopefully find the right one that I wanted to go to next school year! After those ten interviews, I was extended nine on campus invitations. This was very humbling for me. i know that I can do my job and that I can do it well but nine schools out of ten asking me to visit their school was overwhelming. I ended up turning down five schools based on my perception of them, finances, and the fit of their graduate program for what I wanted.

I ended up traveling to Oakland University for my first on campus! It was so much fun. I loved the people and felt that if it was the only school to offer me a position I would feel completely confident in going there. The very next day I flew down to Fort Lauderdale, FL to experience Nova Southeastern University for five days! It was an absolutely fantastic trip. I met many great people throughout the weekend and felt at home there! I told myself that if I was extended an offer to their university I would say yes no matter what. The school was a great fit, the people were a great fit and the program was fantastic! This school was my number one before even meeting them in Wisconsin. So, I felt pretty fantastic about them when I flew home but knew that there were a lot of great people interviewing for the same positions as I was.

A week later, I had the opportunity to travel to Arkansas Tech University and spend the weekend there. Again, I fell in love! The campus is beautiful, the weather is fantastic and it is right by the mountains! I can't imagine how people cannot believe in God when they see the sights that I have seen!

Throughout the week before Arkansas Tech I decided to cancel my very final interview with University of Nevada, Reno. They were a great school but I knew I needed to narrow my search more and unfortunately, they were the one school I didn't have the opportunity to travel to. They replied to my email saying they were so sorry that they weren't able to have the chance to work with me. Yes, stick a knife in my heart and turn it! But, I knew it was the best option. Besides, all of these schools are so different and have so many different things to offer I really didn't know what to do.

Throughout the entire time God has been my rock. I didn't know if I would get offers, I didn't know who I would say yes to if I was fortunate to get more than one...it was all so crazy! This is my life for the next two years. Ahh! Well, as we are faithful, so is God. My devotions that I do every day really helped me through this time. They gave me verses helping me to be confident in my abilities and not to compare myself to others. We are all special and unique in our own ways so there is no reason to compare ourselves to others who just have different abilities!

So, as it played out...I was offered a position to: Nova Southeastern University, Arkansas Tech University and Oakland University.

More than just being offered on campus interviews my top three schools all offered me positions! Man, when God wants to show you how to be faithful He really shows you. I have never felt so blessed in my entire life. I had the opportunity to meet three completely different universities and fall in love with all of their programs. In the end, I of course can only pick one!

I have decided to attend Nova Southeastern University in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I will be the Graduate Assistant of Training and Development for Orientation. I could not be more excited. My masters will be in Student Affairs with an emphasis on Conflict Analysis & Resolution. My first day is July 23 and I am hoping to move a week or so before that.

I have put my faith in God and He showed me throughout the entire process where I need to go. From day one, NSU was my favorite university and it ended up being the school I accepted to!

Trust in God, He will never leave you or forsake you.