I believe in a thing called love...

Alright, so here I am a 23 year old woman who has never been in a relationship officially lasting longer than 6 months. What do I know about relationships? What do I know about being in love? Probably nothing. The most real relationship I had was based upon lies and hurt. And we thought we were going to get married. How do I even know what a real relationship is supposed to be like? Well, that's just it. I don't. I sit around telling myself that I cant wait to be in a long term relationship and I can't wait to get married. But really, what do I know about keeping love alive? Nothing. I would probably kill the love fern if a guy gave it to me. I run away from a man pursuing me but can't understand why a guy doesn't want me when I pursue him. Seems a little backwards, right? I think so to. How did I get so wrapped up in myself and my own little world that I have to be the one to be in control? Why can't I just let go ad let a man pursue me. Why is it that I push him away, just far enough to where he might come back, and then start pursuing him on my terms? Doesn't that seem a bit...degrading? Stealing the man card right out from under him. Not allowing him to win me over because, God forbid I let someone else have a chance at being in control, for once. 

You know, that's not the only problem I have brewing in my catastrophic brain. If I do get in a relationship with a man...how do I get him to stay around, or how do I stay around? Why does it always work out that he gets bored? Or I trick myself into thinking something is wrong with him...so I break up with him. But then..yes, you guessed it, I "realize my mistake" and go back to pursuing him. Why can't I just be happy in a relationship? Well, what is there to even talk about? I feel as if I used to love to get to know new people and hear their stories but now...I feel so closed off. Even if I do learn enough about a guy to date him..what do we talk about after we've been dating for 7 months...or we're married for 7 years! I'm seriously not sure I'm cut out for this stuff. How do I keep a man entertained for the rest of my life? I'm a crazy, dysfunctional woman who doesn't even have goals in life. Yeah, a whole other topic. I do not have goals, I have dreams. Dreams are unrealistic, goals are attainable. Why would a man want to surround himself with a woman who has no achievable goals for her life? I know, I know, I'm a beautiful, smart, talented woman and any man would be lucky to have me. But honestly, honestly, what if I'm not lucky enough to get that man? I am beautiful. I am smart. I am talented. I just have no idea how to have a functional relationship. 

I thought after four years of high school dating, and four years of college dating, I would have found the man for me. I've dated enough people to know what works for me and what doesn't. But for some reason, I'm always the almost girl. The girl a guy will keep in his back pocket when he needs someone to listen. Or, he just needs a pretty smile to get him through the day. I don't want to be someone's almost girl. And I don't want an almost guy. I want to find a man that is willing to work for me (and someone I'm willing to let go for). I want to have a mutual give and take relationship. Not one where I put everything in without anything in return. 

I realize falling in love is hard, but can't a girl catch a break?

Never Can Be too Honest

Social Media. It dictates almost everything we do. As a graduate student we are told to that things can never be deleted once we put it on the internet. It will honestly never go away. Any pictures we post and delete...are still somewhere. A status that we put up for a second and have a second thought..still searchable. A blog post that we think no one reads -- still findable.So what can you put on the internet? What is actually safe? Well, it really depends on the perception you want people to have of you.

For me, I'm still trying to figure out what I want. But I do know that I would have issues if I posted about friendships in Florida, my job, or too personal of information about my family. Well, what's left to write about? My personal feelings? Cool, but all of my personal feelings tie into one of those three things.

What are we comfortable with the world knowing? Facebook or Twitter are the greatest outlet for our true emotions. The raw, most honest feelings -- we put those out for the whole world to see. Everyone always says 'honest is the best policy' but have you ever noticed that they are lying? If people are honest on a social media site, they could lose their job or be judged harshly for their words. I can't really blame them. I mean we are hired to be professionals, not whiney children. These sites were created for us to express ourselves.  But we just end up getting ourselves in more trouble. How do we remedy this? Honestly, I have no idea. I don't have any answers. I am continuing to use social media despite what I know. Am I cautious so what I write? Of course, 98% of my true feelings never breech the social media barrier.

I wish so much I could delete Facebook and live my life without it. But, I feel an allegiance to my friends that live across the country and in different countries. I want to know how they are doing as well as have them know how I am doing.  I can't stop reaching out to my friends because I need them in my life. I can't just up and shut down to only what Florida friends have to offer me. I would lose 97% of the people I love just be contact would be limited that much. Not happening.

Well, I guess we live in a world where freedom of speech is encouraged, but can be held against you. Where your photos can be privatized but shared with the world. Where your feelings are your own, but never a secret.

We live in a blessed world but we just need to be a tad more careful how we express ourselves. Fair or not, that's just how the world works.