Alright, so here I am a 23 year old woman who has never been in a relationship officially lasting longer than 6 months. What do I know about relationships? What do I know about being in love? Probably nothing. The most real relationship I had was based upon lies and hurt. And we thought we were going to get married. How do I even know what a real relationship is supposed to be like? Well, that's just it. I don't. I sit around telling myself that I cant wait to be in a long term relationship and I can't wait to get married. But really, what do I know about keeping love alive? Nothing. I would probably kill the love fern if a guy gave it to me. I run away from a man pursuing me but can't understand why a guy doesn't want me when I pursue him. Seems a little backwards, right? I think so to. How did I get so wrapped up in myself and my own little world that I have to be the one to be in control? Why can't I just let go ad let a man pursue me. Why is it that I push him away, just far enough to where he might come back, and then start pursuing him on my terms? Doesn't that seem a bit...degrading? Stealing the man card right out from under him. Not allowing him to win me over because, God forbid I let someone else have a chance at being in control, for once.
You know, that's not the only problem I have brewing in my catastrophic brain. If I do get in a relationship with a man...how do I get him to stay around, or how do I stay around? Why does it always work out that he gets bored? Or I trick myself into thinking something is wrong with him...so I break up with him. But then..yes, you guessed it, I "realize my mistake" and go back to pursuing him. Why can't I just be happy in a relationship? Well, what is there to even talk about? I feel as if I used to love to get to know new people and hear their stories but now...I feel so closed off. Even if I do learn enough about a guy to date him..what do we talk about after we've been dating for 7 months...or we're married for 7 years! I'm seriously not sure I'm cut out for this stuff. How do I keep a man entertained for the rest of my life? I'm a crazy, dysfunctional woman who doesn't even have goals in life. Yeah, a whole other topic. I do not have goals, I have dreams. Dreams are unrealistic, goals are attainable. Why would a man want to surround himself with a woman who has no achievable goals for her life? I know, I know, I'm a beautiful, smart, talented woman and any man would be lucky to have me. But honestly, honestly, what if I'm not lucky enough to get that man? I am beautiful. I am smart. I am talented. I just have no idea how to have a functional relationship.
I thought after four years of high school dating, and four years of college dating, I would have found the man for me. I've dated enough people to know what works for me and what doesn't. But for some reason, I'm always the almost girl. The girl a guy will keep in his back pocket when he needs someone to listen. Or, he just needs a pretty smile to get him through the day. I don't want to be someone's almost girl. And I don't want an almost guy. I want to find a man that is willing to work for me (and someone I'm willing to let go for). I want to have a mutual give and take relationship. Not one where I put everything in without anything in return.
I realize falling in love is hard, but can't a girl catch a break?
Don't give up on it so easy because we really haven't been at this stuff that long. I don't pretend for a second to know what I am doing and I am absolutely terrified to get married. But I think I have discovered one of the secrets to success: I found someone willing to learn with me and who has the grace to offer me forgiveness when I make mistakes. Look for that in a person. Search for a man you can grow into love with. They rarely come with love already developed for someone. I know this is probably old news for you but just don't give up. You have a lot to give, and you have goals whether you see them or not. Just keep at it, stay positive, and keep learning. For what it is worth I'm proud of you and who you have become.
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