Mount Pleasant, MI.
It has been my home for the past four years. I have meet some many friends and grown so much as a person. Why am I so ready to leave and never come back? What is pushing me away from here?
I have been ready to leave Mount Pleasant for the last few months. I tell myself that my life will be so much easier and better once I'm in grad school away from everything here. Why do I do that? I mean, is that really true? Probably not. Am I running away from something that happened here? Bridges that I've burned? What is it that I am actually trying to get away from?
Well, it's honesty hour. I'm running away from who I was during college. My faith was tested and I neglected over and over again that something was wrong. The relationships that I truly cherished I let break because I was "too busy". I'm running away from people who have hurt my confidence, and who, I claim, have brought me down. But really, I let them bring me down. I let people here influence me more than I thought could happen.
Leaving Mount Pleasant, I thought, was a way to run away from all of my mistakes and start over completely new. New friends, new place, no one knows my past. I can be whomever I want to be. Unfortunately, that is slightly immature for me to think about. Yes, I have gone through some not happy things while here at CMU but I have also grown to be a whole new woman. I need to accept who I have become and continue to grow. Yes, there are things about me that I would like to change—like my faith. I thought in college my faith was supposed to grow stronger and I would leave knowing exactly what I believed and whom I believed in. Yup, that didn't happen. I'm still learning and growing. My faith is tested daily and I fail in it daily. But I'm trying and growing. I'm a human doing the best that I can.
Running away from Mount Pleasant isn't going to make my past go away. It just means that I'm going to leave things unresolved and move to a new place where I could quite possibly make the exact same mistakes. Because that is oh so helpful.
After this realization, I have three months to turn my life around. I will fix things that I believe are important to fix, I will try to confront situations that I am running away from, and I will try to be the mature adult that I know is scared, hiding underneath all of my insecurities.
Insecurities? What? Yes, I am insecure. I have confidence issues. Not just in how my body looks, but in how people perceive me, how I treat others, and in how I think about myself as a whole. Weird, right?
In the next three months, I want to become someone that people look up to again. I want to be a positive role model for those that know me. I want to be happy in myself and not let others define who I am or how I fell.
This can happen, and I encourage you to really take a look at yourself and if you're running away from something. Believe me, you can only run for so long. Your past will always catch up with you if you don't learn to let go and give it to God.
My mouth will tell of your righteous acts, of your deeds of salvation all day long. Psalm 71: 15
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