You know how it's always really easy to critique those around you? It's so easy to see others short comings and think that you could do SO MUCH BETTER. But what happens when we take an honest look inside of ourselves? What happens when we realize what our short comings are...and where we are lettings those around us and ourselves down? Today, it's my turn to look at my problems. What am I doing wrong? Where have I hurt others or continue to make wrong choices? I'm only going to focus on one thing today because it has been on my mind for a solid few weeks. And no, all of my posts aren't a sob story or about men but when you're 22 and those around you are getting engaged or in committed relationships you tend to think about it about more.
Men. In particular, men in the dating scene in South Florida.
I have become a part of the culture of going out on Friday and Saturday nights. The bars don't close till 4am so us girls get ourselves ready and we make an entire evening out of it. I try so hard to make myself "beautiful" in the eyes of the men at the bars and clubs. I wear low cut shirts or short dresses to somehow draw a mans eye to me instead of another girl across the room. Sometimes, I wear jeans and tanks if I really don't feel like getting dolled up. But still, I spend time making myself look a way that the opposite sex will find sexy or intriguing. And then, I use it to my advantage. I'm not sure where this idea of getting numbers and not texting them came from...but it happens. Why is it so exciting to say "I got 5 numbers last night! How many did you get?" Honestly, who cares? Are the men I meet at a bar the ones who are going to take care of me? 8 times out of 10...probably not.
If you talk to me during the week..or even during the day I will tell you I want a serious relationship. I want someone to take care of me. I want that emotional connection with someone...someone to call when I have an incredible experience or someone to help me pick up the pieces when life falls apart. But then I make the choice to go out and meet random men who will pretend they're interested in me. They talk to me just enough until they think that I will kiss them or even more. [Most times they aren't that lucky] But still! What am I doing?
I know a few people who read my blog will tell me to "look at myself before I place the blame on others" or that I should feel "convicted" about what I do. To you people, I am more introspective than you think. I think all the time about how I can be better or how I keep making the same mistakes and it's not acceptable.
People always say there are two sides to every story. What are both sides to my life? Part of me likes the attention of a man in a bar. To know that I caught someone's eye. I was able to get a guy to look at me instead of the hundreds of other beautiful women across the room. Is it because I lack self confidence? I don't think that I am worthy of a man so when one looks at me it gives me some kind of boost? But the next day when you know you'll never speak to him again...doesn't the ounce of confidence he gave you just melt away? Honestly, I don't know.
The other side is that maybe I just don't want a serious relationship. I want the emotion connection, yes. But what if I'm afraid of that commitment? Could I commit myself to one man? Since my break up almost a year ago with the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with..I haven't been able to truly open my heart. So, in my head I think that I'm ready for that emotional connection but maybe I'm really not?
A few weeks ago I started seeing a man that I had a thing for. Our first hang out was me helping him pack up his house because he was moving. I didn't really think anything of it...thought he was just another guy. And then something happened where he hurt my feelings. I cried over a man for the first time in a long time. Does that mean I actually wanted something with him? Was I actually opening myself up to someone? Even while he and I were casually hanging out I was still going to the bars and talking to guys. WHAT IS THAT?! Is that some kind of safety net? Is that me being a cold hearted person? [Yes, don't answer, I know.] Where do I come off with the right to cry over a guy because he "hurt" me when I was inadvertently hurting him he just had no idea? Unfortunately, I think I really pushed that one away as recent events have unfolded. Thinking about it, I could see myself at least dating him. Now, I'm not sure I'll ever get that chance. If he's reading this...know that I do care for you and I'm sorry for the way I let things pan out.
I need to be better. I need to figure out what I want. I need to not be confused anymore. I need to know who I am and what I want. If I want to go out and meet guys just for a fun night of flirting thats my own prerogative. But if I want to commit myself to a guy, and I find one that is worthy, I need to take the jump and open myself up to them.
This whole post is really just helpful for me. I'm not sure if it could help anyone else but for me...it just helps to get my thoughts out so I can say it out loud and accept it.
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