Honesty Hour..

Where to even begin? Life is crazy and unstoppable and full of plot twists that no one ever expects. I guess at this current moment my mind is just always on the go. I'm moving to Florida, I'm leaving my best friends, family, home, everything I'm comfortable with.  I have been through a break up, a friendship ending and the blessing of new friendships all within the past eight weeks.  I have started a new job, I have gotten a promotion in that job, I have broken my phone, I have visited Mount Pleasant three separate times, I have gone to Ohio, Grand Rapids, Grand Ledge and kept up a pretty regular tan. After one long run on sentence...this summer has been anything but normal.

Through all this time I have learned to drink [and like] beer, I have sang at a biker night in downtown Oxford, I have gained weight and lost weight in my weight watchers battle.  I thought that my summer coming home would be easy for me; a nice break, a calm before the storm if you will before I moved my whole life to Florida.  But really, it has been as ridiculous and unpredictable as my life up at CMU was.

After graduation, I had a plan.  I knew where I was going, where I was living and what job I would be doing.  I thought I had graduated knowing exactly who I was and what I believed in.  I thought my faith was stronger than ever and I was finally on the road to recovery with my Lord my God.  I thought that I had grown out of my old ways and finally was able to have a long distance, real relationship.  Boy oh boy was I wrong on so many levels.  Sure, I'm moving to Florida, I have a job, an apartment and I'm getting a degree but after that...the picture gets blurry and muddied.  There is no clear path in what is the right decision of wrong.

This summer I lost a boyfriend that I thought would last a least some of the duration of my time in Florida and I lost my best friend of the past four years.  The boyfriend, fine, I can deal with that.  He came in to my life as a blessing and left on good terms as friends but the best friend is what I really struggle with.  I know that the friendship will always be there if I am ever in trouble or need anything I know that they would be there in a heartbeat but knowing that I shut out the one person who gets me more than anyone else...is heartbreaking.  Unfortunately, we both know that it's what best for us. Do you hate that? How when you make the "right" decision even though you know it's going to suck? Everyone can probably relate to this in some way; the feeling of having to do something you know is right even though you feel that you should do something different.

One thing that I have been struggling with more than anything is the issue I am having with finding peace.  Now, this idea didn't just formulate in my mind all by itself.  I had the opportunity to attend His House on Thursday and Jess talked about our God being called the God of Peace, which He is.  She talked about finding peace in God instead of earthly things.  Finding peace in the internal vs. the external things around us.
For as long as I can remember, I have put my peace in my relationships with the men around me.  I live with my emotions on my sleeve wanting to give my affection to anyone that comes into my love.  I want people to know that I care for them and I would do anything for them no matter if they are just a friend of more.  Now, I'm not saying that is a bad thing but for me, it tends to lead to a lot of heartache.
For so long I have tried to put my peace into the prized possessions of relationships that I have.  Each time one of those relationships didn't work out I would get upset because I gave every ounce of myself to that person to make them happy and still it couldn't work.  Now, I know the moms out there are reading this saying "no, honey, you are fine. you are caring and wonderful, it's okay this is normal."  Unfortunately, I'm telling you, you are wrong.  No, it isn't a bad thing to have relationships and give what I can to the people in them but, real talk here, the root issue is where my heart is and where my peace lies.  My peace doesn't lie in my God, currently.  It lies in the fleeting relationships I have with friends along the way or the occasional boyfriend that comes in to my life.  I find joy in those things but I can't seem to find joy in myself enough to just be alone for awhile.  This is a core issue that I know needs to be resolved.  I want my love for God to be so passionate and so on fire that I no longer need a man in my life to be happy.  I want to be able to have a conversation with a friend and not have the latest update of a guy in my life.  I want God to be that man for awhile.  Not some human man who is struggling as much as I am that will just end in another sad story.
I know this takes a lot of work and I think I'm finally prepared to dive into that work.  I am asking for your prayers as I try to let go and let God fix my relationship with Him and the people around me.

Moving on...

I'm moving to Florida! I convinced myself this year that I wanted to go somewhere that was out of my comfort zone and would really allow me to grow in my independence and as a person.  Well, Florida definitely fits all of those categories.  But, it also is an out for me.  I didn't realize this until just last week but Florida is kind of like a scapegoat. I think somewhere in my mind I allowed myself to emotionally think that if I moved to Florida I would be disconnected from all of the feelings that I have had over the last four years at CMU.  I thought that I could completely start over my life and be whomever I pleased.  And, to a point, that is true but that isn't very smart of me.  I have grown and changed so much in the last four years I can't even begin to explain it.  For me to think moving to Florida would erase all of the hurt I've ever felt was naive and just plain dumb.  Intellectually, I understand that this thought process isn't correct but emotionally, I have convinced myself Florida is going to allow me to just forget everything and move on.  Luckily,  I have realized this before I moved away from everything here.  Realizing this early has allowed me to start the road of mending. Sure there are things that will be easier for me once I'm in Florida but there are also things that I just need to accept and move on with even while I'm down there.  Can you also pray for me that I am able to complete this recovery? That I won't just bury my feelings in Michigan so that Florida is completely new and that I allow myself to really process everything that has happened?


Now, if you're still reading...you win the Friday award! I have had a lot going on in the last two months and I haven't even started being completely honest with myself.  Thank you for your prayers and I will continue to pray for the people around me.

"I may be weak but your Spirit's strong in me.  My flesh may fail but my God, You never will"

Grad School isn't that far away..

Well, it has been about a month since I have posted anything. I apologize for not writing anything! This last month has been something of an adventure for me. I have travelled to Wisconsin, Arkansas, and Florida! Planes are my favorite thing and I loved having the opportunity to travel to many different universities.

I went to Wisconsin to interview for Graduate Assistantships at ten different schools to hopefully find the right one that I wanted to go to next school year! After those ten interviews, I was extended nine on campus invitations. This was very humbling for me. i know that I can do my job and that I can do it well but nine schools out of ten asking me to visit their school was overwhelming. I ended up turning down five schools based on my perception of them, finances, and the fit of their graduate program for what I wanted.

I ended up traveling to Oakland University for my first on campus! It was so much fun. I loved the people and felt that if it was the only school to offer me a position I would feel completely confident in going there. The very next day I flew down to Fort Lauderdale, FL to experience Nova Southeastern University for five days! It was an absolutely fantastic trip. I met many great people throughout the weekend and felt at home there! I told myself that if I was extended an offer to their university I would say yes no matter what. The school was a great fit, the people were a great fit and the program was fantastic! This school was my number one before even meeting them in Wisconsin. So, I felt pretty fantastic about them when I flew home but knew that there were a lot of great people interviewing for the same positions as I was.

A week later, I had the opportunity to travel to Arkansas Tech University and spend the weekend there. Again, I fell in love! The campus is beautiful, the weather is fantastic and it is right by the mountains! I can't imagine how people cannot believe in God when they see the sights that I have seen!

Throughout the week before Arkansas Tech I decided to cancel my very final interview with University of Nevada, Reno. They were a great school but I knew I needed to narrow my search more and unfortunately, they were the one school I didn't have the opportunity to travel to. They replied to my email saying they were so sorry that they weren't able to have the chance to work with me. Yes, stick a knife in my heart and turn it! But, I knew it was the best option. Besides, all of these schools are so different and have so many different things to offer I really didn't know what to do.

Throughout the entire time God has been my rock. I didn't know if I would get offers, I didn't know who I would say yes to if I was fortunate to get more than one...it was all so crazy! This is my life for the next two years. Ahh! Well, as we are faithful, so is God. My devotions that I do every day really helped me through this time. They gave me verses helping me to be confident in my abilities and not to compare myself to others. We are all special and unique in our own ways so there is no reason to compare ourselves to others who just have different abilities!

So, as it played out...I was offered a position to: Nova Southeastern University, Arkansas Tech University and Oakland University.

More than just being offered on campus interviews my top three schools all offered me positions! Man, when God wants to show you how to be faithful He really shows you. I have never felt so blessed in my entire life. I had the opportunity to meet three completely different universities and fall in love with all of their programs. In the end, I of course can only pick one!

I have decided to attend Nova Southeastern University in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I will be the Graduate Assistant of Training and Development for Orientation. I could not be more excited. My masters will be in Student Affairs with an emphasis on Conflict Analysis & Resolution. My first day is July 23 and I am hoping to move a week or so before that.

I have put my faith in God and He showed me throughout the entire process where I need to go. From day one, NSU was my favorite university and it ended up being the school I accepted to!

Trust in God, He will never leave you or forsake you.

My dating life, revealed.

God has been pressing something on my heart lately. It is a subject that I, myself, have struggled with since I was about 13 years old. I'm not sure how my words will come across but I pray that God guides me and I am able to write my thoughts to touch another person and to help someone else out there.

Well, here goes nothing.

the world of dating

ahh yes, I said it. Dating. What a sticky situation. Who honestly has all the answers for dating? Let me tell you, no one. Except for God. But I am going to share a bit of what I have dealt with in the last 8 years of my life. Maybe something I have gone through will relate to what you are going through or help you deal with a situation.

When I was younger, I literally went on dates, all the time. Not an exaggeration. I thought it was the greatest thing ever to have a guy ask me out. I mean, me, a guy to talk me out? Who wouldn't want that. I went out with a lot of guys, and I had maybe two serious relationships in my high school career. Unfortunately, one thing that I never really put in to play was how to put God in the middle of my relationship. Maybe I can use the excuse of being young and just wanting to have fun but really, I just didn't think God had anything to do with who I was dating. Boy, looking back now, was I wrong. I look back to high school and even my college relationships and think how different they would have been if God would have been at the center of them.

Now, my college relationships were a bit more serious and I had some major struggles with them. I chose to date, "fall in love" [or so I thought], with a man that had no relationship with God. This man did all the right things, he made me feel important and treated me well—until we were actually in a relationship. I convinced myself that him not treating me the best during the relationship was because he was stressed or because it was the first time I was dating someone so much older than myself. Oh ladies, please do not fall into this trap. This man did not give me the respect I deserve, and how could I expect him to when did not respect myself the way I should. My confidence was broken. I let a guy define who I was instead of believing in God's definition of me.

WOAH RED FLAG. That's not a good thing.

For me, this trend continued until recently. Through college, I was known as the girl to always have guys asking her out or there was always someone with a crush. Flattering, yes, but not the reputation I really wanted. With all of this, my heart was continuously getting passed around without me having any hold on it. When I wasn't in a relationship, I felt lonely and got down on myself because I couldn't define my worth without a man at my side telling me how great I was.

Growing through this was a long, treacherous road. It has been 3 years since my first, very serious relationship and I can tell you that I am a whole new person. Even in my last relationship, I still struggled with defining myself by God's standards and not the guys. I was self-conscious and worried he wouldn't like me for me. I ruined the relationship, not intentionally, but I did it to myself. The past six months was a constant back and forth to what I wanted and what I didn't want. During this time I chose to focus on me, and realize that my relationship with God needed to be stronger before I can give my heart to another person.

I am now single, happy and in a loving relationship with my God.

Ladies, the past year has been the hardest of my life. Starting with one decision I made on February 14th of last year, it was really the craziest roller coaster I have ever been on. I would not change what happened because I grew so much in to the woman I want to be for the rest of my life, but I could have definitely survived without all the tears that I shed. Until last week, as much as I wanted to convince myself that I wasn't letting a man define who I was, I really was lying to myself. I thought the only way my senior year could end happily was to be with the man I had picked to marry and start my life with him.

—hold up, did you read that? I said the man I picked to marry. Not the man God picked for me to marry. I had this huge, beautiful fantasy planned out for my life without letting God have any say.

I think this is one of our biggest issues as humans. We say we trust in God and will give all of our problems to Him. But really, we still like to keep a hold on some things. For me, it was my relationships. I want to have a say in whom I fall in love with, who I spend my life and time with. But really, it's not my deal. It's Gods. He has the perfect man picked out for me. Maybe I've met him already, maybe I haven't. But it will all happen in Gods time. Not mine.

This may all seem like a bunch of rambling but the main points I want people to gather on are these:

1. respect yourself or else no one will respect you

2. don't let the guy define you, God defines that you are a perfect princess

3. God has the perfect man picked out for you, don't let what you want get in the way of His plans for you.

God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Genesis 1: 27

Seriously God?

Since my last post things in my life have been pretty...interesting.

I posted about knowing who I was supposed to give my heart to and how happy I was that I could finally accept that. Well, remember how that post was also about wondering what the heck God was thinking? Again, it happens, all the time.

God has recently taken that man out of my life. Crazy right? So, this past week has been a learning experience in trusting the big man upstairs. At first I was hurt, and frustrated. All I did was cry and wonder what the heck was going on. But after a much needed prayer break the light shown.

I have been praying to God for strength; the strength to conquer my fears, to live my life to the fullest and to really get to know the real me. Turns out, that's what God is starting to do. [I think] He is giving me the time to be independent, to focus on me and my relationship with Him. I don't need someone else in my life taking away from my time with God. I need someone who will lift me up and challenge me in my relationship. God just had a different way of telling me that a different man is meant to do that for me.

Does this mean I'm looking for the next guy? No, I'm taking this time to focus on me. God has shown me that this is my time with Him. I will focus on Him and bettering myself so that when I move out of state I can take this world by storm. I will be strong, focused, and ready for anything the devil wants to do against me. If I were to stay in a relationship, I would be nowhere near strong enough to live on my own for the next two years away from my family.

God does everything for a reason. And this weekend, I really learned that I need to trust Him. Do I still hurt? Yes, every day. But with time, that pain will fade and I will be healed. I trust that God has a plan for my life and everything happens because a new, and better thing is going to come.

I love God. He has my back. Who has yours?

God, what are you thinking?!

Have you ever wondered what the heck God was thinking? —hopefully I'm not the only one, because it honestly happens to me all the time.

Over the past few months of my life I have gone through a lot. Especially dealing with my personal relationships. The entire situation has been confusing and hurtful for all that were involved. Throughout everything I kept praying to God to give me strength and to lead me in the right path. But you know what's funny about being a human and asking God to show you the way? We normally interpret things WRONG! Who knew that I have been doing that for months on end?

When a person asks God to give her strength or patience, for instance, God will give her something to be strong/patient about. Well, go me. I spent 6 months asking God to give me strength to make the right choices and every time He gave me a situation I could have made the right decision in....you guessed it, I chose the wrong way out.

In a way I was intentionally ignoring what God was putting right in front of me, but I didn't see it that way! When I was in the situation [until now] I had thought that I just kept being tempted by the devil and I needed to keep praying for my strength from God to get through my struggles. Now, I'm much wiser and realize that God was trying to help me out and give me strength. I just kinda didn't realize what He was trying to do.

I feel as if lots of people have that problem. We pray for some certain "thing" from God and when He gives us the opportunity to grow we kind of crash and burn.

From now on I am going to try so hard not to fall and neglect what God is putting out for me to do.

Okay, back to the story. I don't want this to be a blog post of some sap story about my life. But God has really shown me something amazing and I can't help but want to share it. I, ladies and gentlemen, have opened my heart up. I mean really, and truly opened my heart up to another human being. For months I have been questioning what to do and who to turn to and the person was right under my nose the entire time. I have only ever been myself when with this person and can't imagine spending time with anyone else.

You may ask, "Well, what the heck? why did it take you so long?" And let me tell you, I am asking myself the same thing. But the thing with God is, is that He does things on His own time, not ours. I may have been lost for 6 months but I know what God wants for me, at least for right now.

I know that I have a lot more growing up to do but I would like to think that I am well on my way.

This man, that I am opening my heart to, is no one new. He is not some unexpected guy that just walked in to my life. He has been around for awhile and I am so lucky that I know him.

I'm sorry that this post is not my norm, but I just thought I should share.

We all go through hard times where it is hard for us to really listen to what God is saying but, if we can block out the rest of the world and purely focus on what God is saying, I think we would all be better off. God really does know what is best for us and in His own way He shows us that. We just need to trust Him a little bit more.

The Right Now

In our world today people tend to focus on "the next step." We never live in the moment and enjoy things when they happen. Have you ever really considered doing that? I mean, really taking the time to live in the moment? Let's take a second to just think about what could happen if we did that...

Today at work, the slightly awkward person you work with said hi to you and wanted to talk to you...unfortunately you were too busy focusing on the meeting you had later that day to realize how interesting that conversation could have been. This person wanted to talk to you about the love of God that you show to everyone. This person had been watching you and your actions over the past few weeks and wanted to figure out what made you tick. You see, they have been feeling lost and confused and want to feel the content feeling they can see radiating from you. —if you would have taken a deep breath and opened yourself up to this slightly awkward person you could have shared the light of God on a new person.

Say you're in talking to someone and they are opening up to you. Perfect right? But instead of just sitting there and listening to what the person is opening up to you about you focus on what you are going to say next. Have you experienced that? This person is sharing the hardships of their life with you and you are too busy freaking out about what you will say after they finish talking to actually listen to them. What if we just took a step back and listened? What if we just listened to what they said and trusted God to give us the words to say next?

Think about it.

I challenge you over the next few days to really just stop and listen. Stop thinking of what is going to happen in the next hour, or your next meeting, or tonight. Really take the time to focus on the right now. God will take care of the rest, I promise.

running away when you should be running to God

Mount Pleasant, MI.

It has been my home for the past four years. I have meet some many friends and grown so much as a person. Why am I so ready to leave and never come back? What is pushing me away from here?

I have been ready to leave Mount Pleasant for the last few months. I tell myself that my life will be so much easier and better once I'm in grad school away from everything here. Why do I do that? I mean, is that really true? Probably not. Am I running away from something that happened here? Bridges that I've burned? What is it that I am actually trying to get away from?

Well, it's honesty hour. I'm running away from who I was during college. My faith was tested and I neglected over and over again that something was wrong. The relationships that I truly cherished I let break because I was "too busy". I'm running away from people who have hurt my confidence, and who, I claim, have brought me down. But really, I let them bring me down. I let people here influence me more than I thought could happen.

Leaving Mount Pleasant, I thought, was a way to run away from all of my mistakes and start over completely new. New friends, new place, no one knows my past. I can be whomever I want to be. Unfortunately, that is slightly immature for me to think about. Yes, I have gone through some not happy things while here at CMU but I have also grown to be a whole new woman. I need to accept who I have become and continue to grow. Yes, there are things about me that I would like to change—like my faith. I thought in college my faith was supposed to grow stronger and I would leave knowing exactly what I believed and whom I believed in. Yup, that didn't happen. I'm still learning and growing. My faith is tested daily and I fail in it daily. But I'm trying and growing. I'm a human doing the best that I can.

Running away from Mount Pleasant isn't going to make my past go away. It just means that I'm going to leave things unresolved and move to a new place where I could quite possibly make the exact same mistakes. Because that is oh so helpful.

After this realization, I have three months to turn my life around. I will fix things that I believe are important to fix, I will try to confront situations that I am running away from, and I will try to be the mature adult that I know is scared, hiding underneath all of my insecurities.

Insecurities? What? Yes, I am insecure. I have confidence issues. Not just in how my body looks, but in how people perceive me, how I treat others, and in how I think about myself as a whole. Weird, right?

In the next three months, I want to become someone that people look up to again. I want to be a positive role model for those that know me. I want to be happy in myself and not let others define who I am or how I fell.

This can happen, and I encourage you to really take a look at yourself and if you're running away from something. Believe me, you can only run for so long. Your past will always catch up with you if you don't learn to let go and give it to God.


My mouth will tell of your righteous acts, of your deeds of salvation all day long. Psalm 71: 15

Putting All the Trust in Him

If any of you have followed me on Facebook, you know that I am currently trying to figure out what to do after I graduate in May. You would think I would be completely FREAKING OUT for this but the truth is, I'm not. I am definitely a "what if" person but for some reason, I just am not worried. There is only one explanation for this.

I'm letting God take control.

Yup, I said it. God is in control. Have you ever considered that? Giving every single thing over to the big man upstairs? Any soon to be college graduate should be scared of what is going to happen. Am I going to get a job? Where will I live? Do I have to move back in with my parents? What if I don't like what I majored in? Where do I go?

All questions normal people would ask. But for me, it's God's thing. I know that wherever I end up and whatever I am going to do after graduation, it will all be for God. And, by His will.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm sitting here doing nothing wait for the greatest opportunity ever to just land in my lap. No, I am doing the work to look into different places where I want to work and I am thinking really hard about what I want to do after graduation. When something feels right, I pursue it. I pray every night about which schools to look in to and which to respond to.

—it really helps a lot. Believe me.

It is hard to consider giving every worry up to God. What do we have left to control if we give everything to God? Now, think about this: If you were to give every worry to God and let things pan out like He intends them to, how much stress from your life would go away?

Honestly, think about that. My stress level has gone down so much because I know that He will take care of me. I will succeed after graduation because I have a God that loves me and knows me better than I know myself.

I encourage you to really think about this. What worries and fears can you give to God today? Is it the stress of paying your car payment? Or, if you can't find a job, what happens? Or, maybe someone in your family is having surgery? All of those worries, God can handle.

Think about it.

Therefore I tell you, stop being perpetually uneasy about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater than food, and the body than clothing? Matthew 6:25

my first post!

Good morning!

Obviously, this is my first post so I might as well introduce myself. I'm Stephani, a 21 year old college senior, ready to graduate!

The reason I am writing this blog is to get my ideas out on "paper" so that I am able to look back and see how I grow through my last semester of college.

—well, might as well jump right in!

God, has always been a huge part of my life but for the past few years I have been having major problems actually feeling a connection with him. Don't get me wrong, I know that God is always there for me and He is my savior and I am saved because I believe but for me, it's not as easy as that.

Lately, there has been some kind of disconnect between the two of us. It's like, when I pray no one can hear me and I don't feel anything there. It also happens when I worship. Everyone around me can be so into the music and what we are singing, and believe me it is really great music with incredible lyrics but something just doesn't resonate with me. For years I have been trying to figure out why this is but one thing was missing—I never actually took the step to try harder and to ask God to be a part of my life again.

Obviously, that is slightly an issue. I can't just sit around wondering why I don't feel anything when I'm not taking the initiative to have a relationship with God. Yes, I pray every day and my prayers are conversations, just talking my life out with the big man upstairs but that isn't me reading His word or truly attempting a relationship. So, this year my goal is to make that relationship, I want to open my heart up to him and have the most incredible relationship with God ever possible. This passion that I want to feel all started when I read the book "Redeeming Love" if you haven't read it, go check it out from a library and do so. Seriously, GO DO IT. I related with that book more than I thought was possible. This book struck a chord in me that I wasn't aware I had. I want a passion for God again, I want to feel that He is my rock and He is the one that I want a loving full relationship from. So, I am going to make that happen. I bought a 365 devotional book called "The Confident Woman" by Joyce Meyer. Also incredible, I highly recommend it. My goal is make time every morning to do a devotion and have time with me and God. One more step that I am taking is reading the book "Crazy Love", READ IT.

With all of this I am hoping that my relationship with God will strengthen and I will feel the love that I know that He has for me.

I know this post is very unresolved but I am sure I will post again soon.